I feel guilty for being gay
Breaking the Cycle of Guilt and Shame : A Therapist’s Personal Journey About Sexuality
Let’s first bury deeper into the definition of sexuality. Sexuality is an essential aspect of who you are and is incredibly diverse. In essence, it is your sexual feelings, thoughts, and behaviors toward others. Your sexuality also encompasses whether you find someone physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually attractive.
For some, discovering sexuality can be an exciting experience. For others, it can bring up intense feelings of guilt and shame. In turn, it can lead to self-destructive behaviors, self-sabotage, and even self-rejection. The best way to begin to revive and live authentically is to separate the cycle of guilt and shame around your sexuality.
I want to contribute a glimpse of my personal journey about my sexuality and how guilt and shame played a role.
I was twelve years mature and was abode sick from university for a couple of days. During that time, I experienced my first real crush. Yet, the gut-wrenching feeling of guilt, shame, and even mourn was paralyzing. It felt wrong to feel the way I did. It felt like I was “supposed” to regret having the feelings. I was ashamed of my sex
Internalised homophobia and oppression happens to homosexual, lesbian and multi-attracted people, and even heterosexuals, who hold learned and been taught that heterosexuality is the norm and “correct way to be”. Hearing and seeing negative depictions of LGB people can clue us to internalise, or take in, these negative messages. Some LGB people suffer from mental distress as a result.
A general perception of personal worth and also a positive view of your sexual orientation are critical for your mental health. You, like many lesbian, gay and bisexual people, may have hidden your sexual orientation for a long hour. Research carried out in Northern Ireland into the needs of young LGBT people in 2003 revealed that the average age for men to realise their sexual orientation was 12, yet the average age they actually confided in someone was 17. It is during these formative years when people are coming to understand and recognize their sexual orientation that internalised homophobia can really impact a person.
Internalised homophobia manifests itself in varying ways that can be linked to mental health. Examples include:
01. Denial of your sexual orientation to yourself and others.
02. Tries to a
Just as we've seen in last month's blog, denialinitially keeps parents from accepting their LGBTQ kids. Whereas denial is a defensive mechanism, guilt can be defined, according to When Your Child Is Gay: What You Need To Know co-author Jonathan L. Tobkes, M.D. as "a state of feeling characterized by an internal struggle that develops upon perceiving that we've done something wrong."
It is typical for a mother to condemn herself if she doesn't have total control of her child's actions. Guilt sets in. I think of thinking when I discovered our son was male lover if only I hadn't encouraged him to pursue arts camp instead of basketball camp, he wouldn't have turned out queer . Other parents have expressed that maybe if they had insisted that their daughters wear dresses instead of allowing them to dress like tomboys in elementary school, they wouldn't have come out as lesbian. If only, if only.. It's all my fault. I should own steered my kid in another direction, one that society has no reservations about.
Mea Culpa
Look what I've done becomes the characteristic response. I've created a more difficult life for my child, one in which he may be ridiculed, fired from a job, denied housing, just
by Fred Penzel, PhD
This article was initially published in the Winter 2007 edition of the OCD Newsletter.
OCD, as we know, is largely about experiencing grave and unrelenting doubt. It can cause you to doubt even the most basic things about yourself – even your sexual orientation. A 1998 analyze published in the Journal of Sex Research start that among a team of 171 college students, 84% reported the occurrence of sexual intrusive thoughts (Byers, et al. 1998). In order to possess doubts about one’s sexual identity, a sufferer depend on not ever have had a homo- or heterosexual experience, or any type of sexual experience at all. I have observed this symptom in juvenile children, adolescents, and adults as well. Interestingly Swedo, et al., 1989, found that approximately 4% of children with OCD experience obsessions concerned with forbidden hostile or perverse sexual thoughts.
Although doubts about one’s retain sexual identity might feel pretty straightforward as a symptom, there are actually a number of variations. The most obvious create is where a sufferer experiences the thought that they might be of a different sexual orientation than they formerly believed. If the su
I remember that when I discovered that my son was gay, I felt shame. I was not ashamed of him, but I thought his orientation might cause outsiders or friends to criticize our family. I did not want our family to be seen as "different." If we were regarded as having a minor, who is a member of a minority team now, I thought that this new definition could be a source of shame.
With shame, I can attest, you feel lesser, deficient or inferior as I did. Because of society's expectations that everyone should live in a binary world, I envisioned that having a homosexual child could be looked upon as a stigma. I didn't like the position that I was thrust into once I found out my son was gay. Shame is a painful feeling about how we appear to others and to ourselves and may not count on on having done anything. I didn't do anything! In this regard, it's different than guilt.
What's the Difference between Shame and Guilt?
Many people confuse shame with guilt, but they are distinct. According to psychiatrist Jonathan Tobkes, co-author of my book, When Your Child Is Same-sex attracted, "guilt tends to be limited to an operation that we have taken or not taken, whereas shame is a pervasive negative emotion ab